My Life

Ah the wonderful life of me!

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 23:00:21 GMT

Well. Last time I wrote I was little stressed out about Joe. Well, I went to the lake a few days ago and met this guy Jordan. He is a total dork, but he is cute. But he is rediculously clingy! OMG. So! I am not going to do anything with that. Anyway. So Josh is my main problem right now. He is a total prick but I can't seem to get away from him! URG! He is cute and fun and I can talk to him for hours but at the same time, he is a total prick. We had a date on saturday, which he was an hour late for, then I call him and he says he is on his way to pick up his friend and then come see me. And that he could call me when he got there. I was like... UM no!

He didn't call me back and when I told him to delete my number he freaked. He told me to call him today after I got out of court and tell him how it went. So I did. We talked for like 6 mintues and he had to go. This is rediculous. I am so pissed that he treats me this bad but i can't walk away from it. Urg!

HATE

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:48:40 GMT

Ok! So, I dated this guy back in late January/early Febuary of last year. Name's Joe. So! About a month ago I see him walking down the road with a gas can. I pull over and we start talking, and I give him my cell number. well we decide that we are going to go on a date, we go, it's amazing. He says "I missed you so much. Will you please just be my girlfriend again?" and I of course said yes, because I love him and missed him with all my heart. So we spend a week going out and being together, everything is wonderful and just exactly like it used to be. Well he texts me one day and says "do you want to come over after work," I said yes! and went over after work. He comes in hugs me, kisses me and asked me about my day. I said it was shitty and I hated work, asked about his and he said it was shitty, we need to talk.

Really long dramatic story short, he broke up with me. AGAIN. I don't fucking get it! He says there isn't another girl but I fucking beg to differ. I am absoloutly fucking livid. He didn't even give me a reason! He just said "I don't want to be in a relationship.". But he was the one that decided he wanted to be in the first place! I was totally happy just being friends! But no! He had to fuck me around and pretend that he loved me and wanted to be with me. For christ sakes we were talking about marrage and kids! (Not together but the future) He is going to the military this year and told me that I was the only one he was going to write while he was gone! I am so fucking pissed. I want my fucking life back! I am sick of fucking feeling bad for myself and for him because some stupid fucker doesn't want me. I deleted his number and decided that this isn't worth my time. I saw him at work the other day and he said that he would text me as soon as his phone turned back on(the battery was dead) and he STILL hasn't texted back. I don't know what else I can do to make him see that he isn't going to do any better then me and that we are ment to be together. I don't want to be together anymore! I did! For the longest time after he broke up with me. But I don't anymore, because it will always be this way! It's never going to change and i am sick of getting hurt.

Noone

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 21:01:02 GMT

Ok!

So to start out this live journal I would like to acknowlage the fact that I have ONE friend on livejournal and I am very glad. It makes me happy because I have a journal that noone reads and noone cares about.

To the story.

I hate my job. I hate the people and I hate doing the work. To cut a long story short the girl who's job I am taking is trying to get me fired, big shocker. Anyway! so I hate the job and I hate the people but who would have thought that wouldn't be enough? So as i mentioned yesterday Josh and I are fighting over some stupid bullshit. I texted him last night and said "I didn't mean crazy in a bad way. I ment crazy like i'm crazy. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry. Have a good night."
and at 5 a.m. "hey text me when you can"
and againat about ten. "Good morning".

I called on my lunch hour, no answer.

He is ignoring me now. It pisses me off to no fucking other that he ignores me. I'm pretty upset that I didn't even do anything and he freaked out. I really like him and i wish he would just calm down. It's not like I said anything mean! I said "lol your crazy you know that?" and he said "wtf!''.

So that is a fucking bust.

Plus!
This guy Ian is being very strange.

I met him on POF, and he is 21. Well we were webcaming online the other day and we were just talking. Well, I could see him, he couldn't see me. Anyway! We were talking and I asked him what he was doing, he said "watching porn." I laughed because I knew it was true. haha

So he decides that porn isn't cutting it for him and he wants me to help him out. So I start sending dirty pictures. Well! I sent them and he ended up cumming, on camera. (of course not actually ON the camera because that is bad for the lense) So ya. We decided that he would skip the gym on wednesday and we would meet up at his place. (for a little somethin somethin.) So I say ok and good night and text him later on wednesday. He is being really short with me and not replying so I sent "are we still on for tonight" and he said "i forgot I have dinner plans" So I said "oh ok have a good night!" and he said ya.

So I saw that he was online at like 11 o clock so i messaged him "hey! How was your night?" and he said "fine, i'm going to bed, goodnight."

so I put ". . . Alright, hit me up later then."
and he didn't reply. So i am pretty sure that he is avoiding me too. I am not sure why people avoid me! I didn't ever do anything to anyone and they are all avoiding me! It pisses me off to no fucking other.

SO In conclusion

I hate people

All people.

Update

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 20:01:00 GMT

Its been a little bit since I wrote so I thought I would update this for a little bit.

Josh never did call me back and we hadn't talked since then. So I decided that I wanted something real and signed up on a websight called www.plentyoffish.com I am not usually the dating websight type but I love this sight! I have found about 18 people to talk to and it's only been two days./ Don't think that I am just getting on to advertize. I don't really care if you dont go. Just try it if your lookin for people

Anyway! SO I went on one of like 6 dates this week last night, guy named Russ. Ya we had fun, laughed, joked, exc. Well I went to smiths after at like eleven and Josh was there. Here is how it went.

Josh: Hey there stranger.
Me: Hey.....
Josh: Thanks for answering my texts.
Me: I haven't gotten any.
Josh: I texted you like 8 times
Me: Ya I haven't gotten anything in like two weeks. Why didn't you answer your phone?
Josh: I didn't get any calls from you.
Me: I called like 5 times and then just gave up.
Josh: weird....

Then we went back in the dairy cooler and talked for another hour or so. He kept calling me cutie and said when he got off he would text me. So when I left I gave him a hug and it was just like the one from our date. Every inch of our bodies were touching and he hugged me way tight for like five whole minutes. It was insane. Then I pulled away and started talking to him again. Hoping he would kiss me. Praying he would but he never did. We talked for another few minutes or so and I got another hug. Same thing. And I went home.

I was up until about one thirty talking to this guy online. His name is Ian. Way sweet, wicked cute. Yes, he is interesting. Anyway, Josh didn't text me and so I texted him at one thirty and said "You off?" and he said "no" So I didn't text him back. I texted him this morning and said "morning." and he said "good morning!" We talked for a while but now he isn't hitting me back.

I'm kinda pissed that he is being flakey. But at the same time I really like him and understand that he is busy as fuck. idk. Maybe it is something that I am just going to have to deal with. Or maybe I should just delete his number again and start all over.

He quit texting me after this convo.

Me : It's early for you to be up!
Josh: I know it's bull shit.
Me: Well I'd hug you but... i'm still nakie.
Josh: (like an hour later) show me.
Me: lol I would have but I am dressed and at work now
Josh: Fuck it :(
Me: I'm sorry... maybe if your lucky i'll show you in person.
Josh: Picture message of his elbow (all folded up looks like an ass.)
Me: What is that?
Josh: My ass.
Me: Lol ok... why?
Josh: Is it sexy?
Me: Lol I'd rather see the front. ;)
Josh: Its my ass!!!
Me: Lol your crazy you know.
Josh: Wtf!
Me: (I don't remember what I said)
Me: Are you mad at me now or something?
Me: Hello (like an hour later)
Me: that is totally your elbow!!!

No reply.

Date

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:52:01 GMT

So I went on a date with Josh last night.

Well, Saturday night. He didn't get off work until midnight. I went to his work and I looked fantastic by the way! I wore a denim mini skirt from rue 21 and a dark grey t-shirt and plad vest and black high heals. (not too high) Anyway! So I pick him up from work and he says "so what's the plan" and I said "Hey! I made the date, you figure it out" and he smiled and we parked my car and started driving around in his. We went back to his place so he could change and we went to Village inn. (at two o clock in the moring) We talked, and laughed and had a great time. He drove me back to my car and we talked again for another few hours and I got home at 5 a.m. It was the greatest night. When I got out of the car to go home he came around and hugged me. I hugged him so long, we were touching from neck to knee cap. He hugged me so tight. It was amazing. He didn't try to kiss me at all. I was a little worried when he didn't because I expected him to.. But he texted me when he got home, and I was in bed half asleep and this is how it went.

J: Your so sexy!
A: :) Oh ya? How do you figure?
J: You know. :)
A: Well! You should have kissed me or something. ;)
J: I know.
A: :) Well thank you! I had a great night. You have the best stories!
J: Thanx. I will call you later cool?
A: Cool, go get some sleep. Have a good night.
J: You too.
A: Shall do. :)

Then I went to bed. When we were in his car, I can't remember who said it, but it was decided that we should hang out on his next day off. But he didn't know when it was, so he said he would call me and let me know. Well, I went with my mom to Smiths, (where he works) and saw him and we talked for about an hour. He told me his next day off is Tuesday and he wont have his girls. So I think we are on to hang out after I get off work on tuesday but I still need to ask.

So I am gunna call him tonight after I get off work and see if he wants to chill tomorrow.

I'm excited.
Alexa

Why are people such ass holes

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:52:53 GMT

I am so sick of people making me look foolish!

I work at a company that sells pool covers. I work with my dad. He is a funny guy, most of the time. They were all out smoking with the Unit shop guys and my dad cracked some b.s. joke about me. (Again) usually its no big deal but the entire unit shop and half of shipping laughed directly at me. They all make fun of me because my car needs some work. I drive a 1990 chevy cavi and it doesn't have a back drivers side window and the driver window doesn't roll up. Its the rainy season here and when it storms I have learned to put a painters tarp in my window. They were all mocking me and laughing at me when I got out of my car today (sunny day, no tarp). And then! When the Unit shop got back from lunch they had a block they had to look at for a customer. I wasn't at my desk but when I came back the block was on my desk and it said "Works in both directions. No charge". So I figured that it was fine when it came in. Why would you just put "works in both directions" and "no charge" if YOU FIXED IT! So! I told the customer that their wasn't a problem with it and he was confused. So I got The unit shop to come talk to him and he made me look like a complete ass because he "FIXED" it but wasn't going to charge him for it. Which I don't have a problem with. I am just sick of people mocking me for shit that is out of my control. My car is 20 years old. Not a whole lot I can do about it. Its a piece of shit but its mine and I am fucking sick of hearing about it! And you whould think that my dad would be a little more considerate about how I feel if we work in the same place. I don't talk shit on him! Joke or no joke it isn't fucking funny! I am sick and god damn tired of this job, the people and all the shit that I have to put up with because people are ASS HOLES!

Old Dog New Tricks

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:11:08 GMT

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

Is it wrong to expect an old dog to do new tricks?

Are new tricks too much to handle for an old dog set in his ways?

I ask all of these things because I want to know.

Is it to much to expect for people to change?

I feel like an old run out terrior. Sitting on my front porch just waiting for the old

world to come back and pick me up.

They just went to the store.

. . .

Why do people only expect the worst out of people?

Even further, why do people expect anything out of other people?

Why can't we all just co-mingle and live our lives

with everyone else

in our own little worlds.

I have almost decided to just blow this pop stand and learn to be one with nature.

To just leave,

Take my car,

And drive until I am broke and out of gas.

Start a new life where ever I land.

How bad could it really be?

Ok this one is the last one.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:28:14 GMT

: Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water? Start the water then get in.

Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle? Nope. Why should I? wash rinse repeat? duh

Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercials? Oh god yes. :)

Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex? Yeah Tangan.

Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? Nope. Never.

Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? All the time.

Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot? Never drop the soap.

Q8) How old do you look? people always think I am 20 somthing.

Q9) How old do you act? I am pretty mature for my age. Idk if I could put a number on it.

Q10) Whats the last song you sang? Before He cheats Carrie Underwood.

Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything? Nope. I'm too cool to be a member of anything. :D

Q12) What are your plans for the weekend? Go get smokes, hopefully get laid, and go to work on monday.

Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? Closed. Creapy!

Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice? I don't even know who that is.

Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now? My left ankle

Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive? Angelina Jolee

Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive? I don't know. A hot one?

Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle? yes. Mine is Craig.

Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America? Nope.

Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? Yes. yes it does.

Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team? haha No.

Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag? Of course who hasn't!

Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent? Does a horse trailer count?

Q24) What about in a boat? No.

Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth? Yes.

Q26) Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex? Can't I have both? ;)

Q27) Can you fix your own car? Most of the time. *glares at my car*

Q28) Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were Guarunteed to get away with it? Not really. I'm just not that violent.

Q29) Should guys wear pink? NO!

Last one I swear

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:22:46 GMT

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? Bra? Teal with the word LOVE written on it. Panites black and white polka dot g string.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? How much I want to hurt everyone who hurts me.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Sitting at my computer desk at work waiting to go get zach.

4. Honestly, what did you do today? This is pretty much it.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Most of the time yes.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? Yes.

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? NO

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Yes.So what?

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? Hugs from guys.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails? Yes

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now? Really fucking pissed

12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? I wish.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? YES

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? Yes

16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? Yes

17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now? Connor.

18. Honestly, are you loyal? Yes

19. Honestly, are you in denial? No. wait... Nope.

20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? Hell fuck to the yes!

21. Honestly, who is your best friend? I don't have any best friends.

22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol? pish the better questions is have you ever consumed alcohol today! haha Yeah I have.

23. Honestly, do you like someone? yes

24. Honestly, does anyone like you? Probably not.

25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them? Nope.

26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly? Sure. *shifty eyes*

Another servey

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:18:34 GMT

01.) My Name: Alexa
02.) Middle Name:: Raye
03.) DOB:: 2/28/1991
04.) Age:: 18
05.) Location:: South Jordan UT
06.) Eye Color:: green
07.) Hair Color:: black
08.) Hair Length:: shoulder length at the longest.
09.) Height:: 5.10
10.) Shoe Size:: 10
11.) Glasses or Contacts:: Glasses sometimes.
12.) Braces:: None
13.) Single or Taken:: Fucking single.
14.) Bad Habits:: None. I am way too cool for bad habits. Ok maybe smoking. And drinking. :)
15.) Fears:: The unknown.
16.) Screen Name:: EmoQueen or the Raven.

::_**_:: School ::_**_::
17.) Where Do You Go to School:: South Pointe Adult High
18.) Whats Your School Mascot:: None
19.) Whats Your School Colors:: idk like blue and stuff
20.) Whats Your Favorite Subject:: English
21.) Whos Your Favorite Teacher::None
22.) What Do They Teach:: Nothing
23.) Who Sits Next to You In Math Class:: I'm not taking a math class.

::_**_:: Love Life ::_**_::
24.) Do You Have a Boyfriend/ Girlfriend:: No
25.) If So, Whats There Name: blank
26.) If So, How Long Have You Been Together:: never
27.) Do You Have a Crush:: Yes
28.) Do They Know:: yes
29.) Have You Ever Broken Someones Heart:: No
30.) Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken:: Countless times.

::_**_:: Favorites ::_**_::
31.) Animal:: pandas
32.) Color:: purple
33.) Person:: Lisa
34.) Subject:: English.
35.) Season:: Fall
36.) Holiday:: Halloween!
37.) Hobby:: Writting
38.) Sport:: football
39.) Feeling:: Joy.
40.) Saying:: Fucking HEll!
41.) Word:: Fuck
42.) Month:: October
43.) Clothing:: Ones that cover up the bad and flaunt the good.
44.) Jewelry:: My ring.
45.) Food:: Ramen
46.) Snack:: RAMEN

::_**_:: Friends ::_**_::
47.) Best:: Lisa
48.) Daringest:: Orion
49.) Funniest:: Orion
50.) Tallest:: Connor
51.) Shortest:: Diana
52.) Loudest:: Ashley
53.) Shyest:: Tia
54.) Smartest:: Me
55.) Blondest::Ashley
56.) Craziest:: Ashley and connor
57.) Nicest:: Lisa
58.) Sweetest:: lisa
59.) Weirdest:: Jorgon
60.) Flirtest:: Ashley

::_**_:: Have You Ever ::_**_::
61.) Had a Wish Come True:: Yes
62.) Had a Dream Come True:: yes
63.) Broken a Body Part:: no
64.) Fallin in Love:: no
65.) Done Something You Regret:: Um YA
66.) Tripped and Fell in Public:: yup. Good times.
67.) Sang in Public:: Sure!
68.) Cryed in Public:: Yuah
69.) Kissed Someone Besides Family:: . . . um ya!
70.) Been in a Car Crash:: Yes.

::_**_:: The Last ::_**_::
71.) Thing You Did Before Getting on the Computer:: Drove to work.
72.) Person You Yelled at:: Connor
73.) Person You Hugged:: Lisa
74.) Person You IMed:: Clay
75.) Time You Cleaned Your Room:: Months ago.
76.) Song You were Listening to:: Karosene by that one country chick.
77.) TV Show You Watched:: House
78.) Movie You Watched:: Princess bride
79.) Time You went to the Movies:: With connor.
80.) Time You Cryed:Yesterday
81.) You Took a Shower:: This morning.

::_**_:: This OR That ::_**_::
82.) Coke OR Pepsi:: pepsi
83.) Tall OR Short:: tall
84.) Flowers OR Candy:: Flowers
85.) Math OR English:: English
86.) Blink 182 OR Sugarcult:: Neither gross
87.) Mickey OR Minnie:: Mickey
88.) Middle School OR High School:: NEITHER FUCK!
89.) Boyfriend OR Girlfriend:: Boyfriend
90.) Single OR Taken::TAKEN

::_**_:: Word Association ::_**_::
91.) bead:: anal
92.) bed:: sexy
93.) sexy:: can i?
94.) phone:: sex
95.) tough:: love
96.) neato:: misquito
97.) leather:: jacket
98.) weird:: face
99.) so:: east
100.) easy:: piezie
101.) test:: blood
102.) nerd:: dad
103.) falling:: fast
104.) air:: ball
105.) hot:: sex

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:01:25 GMT

95 questions, fill out and repost.

Favorite
1. gum: Orbit
2. restaurant: Anywhere good. :)
3. drink: Dr pepper or Coke
4. season: Fall
5. type of weather: Over cast and cool.
6. type of emotion: Pleasure.
8. late-night activity: Playing sex in the car. :D
9. sport: Football
10. city: I don't know. Everywhere.
11. store: Don't have one

When was the last time you-
12. cried: Yesterday at work
13. played a sport: like 6th grade
14. laughed: About thirty seconds ago
15. hugged someone: on my lunch break
16. kissed someone: june 13th
17. felt depressed: current!!!
18. felt overworked: CURRENT AND A HALF
19. felt sick: last week.

What was the last-
20. word you said: guys. (bye guys)
21. thing you ate: a piece of taffy
22. song you listened to: Before he cheats by Carrie Underwood.
23. last thing you drank: Dr Pepper
24. place you went to: Macys
25. movie you saw: Oh god.... Um. I went with Connor. I can't rememer what we saw.
26. movie you rented: haven't rented anything in forever.
27. movie you went to: same one. I saw it with connor and I can't remember what its called.

Who was the last person you-
28. hugged: Bj of bj and lisa
29. cried over: Tangan
30. instant messaged: Clay
31. danced with: Uhhh That guy from the club! Umm.. Charlz
32. shared a secret with: Connor
33. had a sleepover with: Connor lisa and bj.
34. kissed: Connor
35. went to a movie with: Connor
36. saw: Roxanne
37. were angry with: Tangan.
38. cant take your eyes off: hehe T

Have you ever-
40. danced in the rain: alone but yes.
41. kissed someone: DUH
42. done drugs: Yes
43. drank alcohol: Yes
44. partied 'til the sun came up: oh hell yes
45. had a movie marathon: yes
46. gone too far on a dare: ues
47. spun until you were immensely dizzy: duh who hasnt!

My life-
48. school you go to: South Pointe adult High
49. name: Alexa
50. gender: Female (checks) Yup female. :)
51. birthday: 2/28/1991
52. relationship status: fucking single
53. number of siblings: 1.5 (Half sister. :D Love her!)
54. State or province u live in: Utah South Jordan.

Play-
55. i'm feeling: nausious
56. i'm listening to: some guy pee.
57. i'm doing: texting at work.
58. i'm talking to: Zach
59. i'm craving: sex. weird right?
60. i'm thinking of: weather or not I am going to be able to have sex with tangan this weekend.
61. i'm hating: TANGAN!

Love-
62. love is: bullshit.
63. my first love: i'll never forget him.
64. love or lust: I would rather have love and wont settle for anything less.
65. best love song: Lullabye by Billy Joel.
66. Possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time: NO
67. when love hurts: what about it? Love always hurts.
68. Are you in love: I think. Probably not real love.

Opposite/same sex-
70. turn ons: Kindness
71. turn offs: Immaturity, clingyness,
72. do your parent's opinion on your gf/bf matter to you? Not at all. i'm 18.
73. what kinda hairstyle are you into?: whatever works as long as it isn't buzzed
74. What is the sweetest thing a girl/guy can do for you?: treat me with respect
75. where do you go to meet new people?: Everywhere. :) Look theres one!
76. are you the type of person to HOLLA and ask for numbers? Hell ya. Im pretty laid back.

Picky Picky-
77. dog or cat: dog
78. short or long hair: on me? Short
79. sunshine or rain: RAIN BABY
80. hugs or kisses: Both. ;) Simultaniously.
81. xbox or ps2: Old school nintendo! :)
82. written letters or e-mails: Written
83. Cars or motorcycles: Motorcycles!!
84. coke or pepsi: Pepsi
85. house party or dance: House party!
87. freak or slow dance: with who? Friends freak, bf slow dance.:)

Lately-
88. How are you today? Pissed as fuck.
89. what pants are you wearing right now?: denim jeans
91. what song are you listening to right now? the song of utter silence.
92. how is the weather right now? Over cast and cloudy. Just like I like it. :D
93. last person you talked to online? Um. Bill. *rolls eyes. Dick head*
94. who was last person you talked to on the phone? My dad.
95. last dream: That I walked up to tangans door and he opened it and kissed me. Just like he used to.

Rant fest 2009

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 21:33:44 GMT

Some days I wish murder was legal.

I hate almost everyone I come around.

Why do people insist on treating me like I am a kitty door? Something you have to go threw

to get somewhere else. I hate that everyone fucking uses me for their

own sick amusement.

I am better then

Everyone

think

s

It pisses me off really bad that people look at me like I am a piece of meat.

Drooling and stammering like they haven't

eaten in months.

I hate that I am nothing more than sex to these

people.

Like Connor? Tangan? Luke? Wes? Shaun? Josh from the freight crue at smiths?

All of them want nothing more than to fuck the hell out of me.

How can people not see that I am

smart.

Funny

witty

charming

beautiful

and above all

deserve better then what I get.

Maybe I am setting the bar too high.

Maybe I expect too much out of men.

Maybe some girls just aren't as deserving as others and maybe I am one of them.

Maybe I should just give up on love.

Love sure as hell has givin up on me.

Alexa

I hate people more than life

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:24:42 GMT

Ok so I pretty much hate all people. fucking people fucking me around. I hate all of them! I was talking to Bronson last night and I told him that if tangan came back I would take him back. I've always said that. So I texted tangan last night for about the billionth time and said "why exactly do you hate me so much?" Not really expecting a response and I went to bed. I went to work today and my phone vibrated. I picked it up and looked. From Tangan. I was about as shocked as I have ever been in my life. We have been texting back and forth all day. He sent me pictures of himself and I sent him pictures of myself. (After all I have changed alot in 4 months.) He asked me "what makes you think I don't like you." and I said "well, thats kind of obvious. You broke up with me, and have ignored me for four months". And what shocked the fuck out of me was he apologized! He actually said I'm sorry. I believed him. He asked me if I was single and I told him I just broke up with my boyfriend (lie). He asked me if I would ever give him another chance. I told him I didn't know. (bigger lie) I asked if he was single and he took about a half hour to text back and finely he said yes he does infact have a girlfriend. I said Hm. And he said Hm what. what are you thinkin. I said nothing and he said "whatever, I know you really and I know something is on your mind." I said "Forget it I shouldn't have considered it anyway. What are you doing" and he just replied with "What you mean? Considered what"and I said "i thought you were single thats all." Sigh. He said " O. I'm sorry I'm not" and I said why.

Fuck this bull shit dude.
I'm done.

I hate people!

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:22:22 GMT

I hate people more than anything in the world! God damn scham artists! I walked into my office today and there is a massive box on my desk. Addressed to me! I don't have things shipped to my office because, well, thats a company resorce and I don't fuck around with the company. And aparently someone told this company that I was in charge of purchasing and they sent out a shit load of tape and some stupid fucking organizer bull shit. Ah I just got off the phone with the woman from that company and she was so sweet and gave me an RMA number and she isn't going to charge us a penny. Crisus averted. Wow everything is going crazy today!

Oh My fucking god

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:35:37 GMT

Oh My god. I don't even know what to say. I am sitting here minding my own fucking business and Connor texts me and says "You know what take your drama and fuck the hell off"! I was like "what the fuck did I do?" I haven't talked to him in like a fucking week and the only thing I have even mentioned about him was that bj knew what my chest looked like (and told me lisa told him so I confront her and she says connor told him) so I was pissed and said I was gunna kill him. He told me he was gunna delete my number and all this shit. I don't even really care that he is going to delete my number it just makes me laugh that he is FREAKING out this much and I didn't even do anything wrong! I don't even know what I could have done wrong! Like, the only thing I can think of is the affore mentioned and I don't see why he would freak the fuck out at me over something like that. And he called ME the immature one. Wow. I don't even know what I did but he is TRIPPIN out for no reason whatsoever. I just texted him and said "and you said i was the immature one, whatever, I deleted your number so I guess I will see u around. FYI I am going this weekend with lisa" and he said "no your not" and i said "if lisa still wants me to go then I am" Wow this is way too much drama to try put out there.
He said "you just keep believing that"
"what the fuck is your problem? your being a total ass hole and I didn't do shit"

And! I asked lisa if she still wanted me their and she esentially said no. She said "connor doesn't want drama and I don't want people fighting"
So I said "so NO you don't want me their." and she didn't reply. It shocks me that these people are in their late twentys and they still act like they are in high school. I just cant even fathom that. I am so pissed off I could just slap someone. But I am not going to. I am going to sit calmly at my desk and tell lisa how I feel. I am not dealing with this drama anymore. Because I don't have to!

My rant for today

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:36:57 GMT

Ok, so I have always thought that people were immature but yesterday pushed it to a whole nother level! Lisa texted me last night and told me she thought Bj had a crush on me. Now, We all know this is true but her. She had no idea and no one ever told her because it wasn't really an issue. It's not like i'm going to date him! He's 30 and MARRIED. I'm not stupid. Plus he has three kids so I'm REALLY not going to date him. Not that I don't like him, he is a great guy, but we are better off friends. And she FREAKED out and started telling him and me that she didn't trust us and all this shit which was total bull shit. I don't understand what I did wrong in this shit. It pisses me off that she freaked out on me when she really should be pissed off at bj.

And another thing! My fucking brother dude. He is literally about fucking 5 years old sometimes. He is 19, has his own car and a job and he threw a fit (literally! Threw a fucking fit like a five year old) because his HOT POCKETS were gone this morning. I don't know who took them and I don't know what happend to them but I didn't fucking touch them. I had work and school last night. I bairly had the energy to wolf down the ramen I ate. Let alone be sneaky enough to get his hot pockets, Cook them, WITHOUT THEM MAKING IT SMELL LIKE HOT POCKETS in the kitchen, and throw away the trash in a place that he wouldn't see it. I am sick of him acting like a fucking baby. He calls me names all the time and insults me and treats me like dirt. And I don't have to put up with it anymore! I never had to put up with it! But i did because he was family! I am so done! I told him to stop fucking texting me because I didn't want to hear from his dumb ass anymore and he did. We used to be way chill but its like he is fucking starved or something. Any time food comes into the mix he FREAKS out and accuses me of taking it. Like he never gets meals! God he drives me insane sometimes! Fuck. I am going to talk to Lisa tonight about this bull shit and try to get it resolved and as for david? Fuck him.

Writer's Block: I Can Relate

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:58:57 GMT

What fictional character do you most identify with?

View 508 Answers

The fictional character I most identify with would probably be Bree from Crank by Ellan Hoppkins. Throughout the book she becomes addicted to "the monster". Which is Meth for those of you who don't know. Now I have never done meth nor would I EVER do meth but she has this personality that everyone can suck it if they don't like her. That is how I am. I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. Take a fuckin number cuz no one does.

This is crazy.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:35:45 GMT

Ok SO I am looking threw my old entries and I stumble accross this little quiz thing I did a year ago. Check out the difference in answers.

Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
Connor, Or someone cute and sweet with flowers and something sweet to say. :)

What song is stuck in your head?
Before he cheats Carrie Underwood.

Midnight, who were you texting?
Connor or Shara or Lisa

How different are you from three years ago?
I am so much more mature then I was then. I used to be such a goof.

When's the next time you will see the person you like?
June 27th. (hopefully) and within the next hour for the other one. :)

When was the last time you cried really badly?
Sunday night.

Do you like your life at the moment?
All things considered yes I do. I went back to school, work a full time job and got my drivers lisence

Are you currently frustrated with someone?
Maybe a little bit with Connor and Lisa. But other than that not really. :)

You want to get married?
I think eventually.

Is anything alive in your room?
Not that I know of.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
No. I don't trust anyone.

Been in the hospital anytime this year?
Nope. I went to the clinic though. Strep. Yuch. :)

Do you know if anyone likes you?
Yeah. Bj does and I think Connor does too. IDK.

Do you have trust issues?
It depends on the person but yes. I don't trust alot of people these days.

Do you have a best friend?
No. I hardly have any friends. let alone best friends.

Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Um. Not right now, but in the future yes. I have way too many things going right now to get
sucked in with a boyfriend.

Who's bed did you sleep in last?
Well that depends. Last night? Mine, Last person besides my own? Lisas.

When did you last see the person you like?
the first guy I like I saw him sunday.
the second guy I like I saw him about 20 minutes ago. ;)

Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
I am always doing something I am not supposed to do.

Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
I don't even KNOW anyone from kindergarten.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
Yes. I work hard and I have fun. Sounds like a pretty well rounded person to me. :)

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes. Tangan told me I was once.

Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
Yes. One. Hopefully a boy! :)

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Cash my paycheck, put gas in my car, pay insurance, pick up fathers day present, buy smokes, exc.

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?:
Kinda both side and stomach. I sleep on my stomach with my right leg bent up to my chest so i'm kinda leaning on my side. It's a whole big thing. :)

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Not that I remember but I am sure it has happened. I remember I went to a rave once and this guy said my eyes were the size of the moon.I thought it was the most romantic thing! But then i found out that it is totally from some stupid song. Haha!

Do you smile a lot?
Ya usually. When I am happy or horney or a sneaky combanation of both. :D

What was the last book you read?
The Heroine Diaries by Nikki Sixx.

Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Yes yes I did. I went to my friends childs first birthday party with connor. :)

What's something that can always make you feel better?
Music and a really good hug. :)

Will this weekend be a good one?
Yes! It's fathers day! :D

What happened at 11:00 am today?
I was working, answering the phones and texting my friends. :D

Are you ticklish?
Oh unbelievably. ;)

Are you happy right now?
Yes. Things could be going alot worse.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?

Shaun.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 19:18:26 GMT

Ok, It has been a really long time since I wrote on this. I have noticed that this is really the only place I can turn when there is nothing else to turn to.

In my last entry I said I wasn't dating Tangan anymore, which is true. I broke up with Thomas because he was still madly in love with Chelsea and was talking to her behind my back. (We didn't last long. Like three days) So I was single for a while. Then I went to Ashleys house and met Connor. I'd known him from before but he was in the process of getting a devorce. Ashley had already finalised her devorce so she was single (sorta) again too. Well we all decided that we wanted to go to the club. So Ashley, Tia, Me, Tia's dad, Ashleys mom and Connor all go to the club. Now, they are all at least 21. I am 18. So we show our id's and Connor has told me that he wouldn't go to the bar because he had to drive home and that he wouldn't drink because I couldn't. Great friend right? Well! The bouncer looked at our id's and moved on to the next people. Well, Ashley pipes up and says "hey! We need stamps!" (To get into the bar) So the bouncer stamps all of our hands 21+. Lucky day for me because I wasn't close yet. Well! We go into the bar (when god opens a door that wide you'd have to be an idiot to not walk threw it) So we drink at the bar. I had 3 shots of Tranchala Taquila, Two "Wet Pussy's" and 4 Jager bombs. So to pretty much say the least, I was sloshed. I couldn't even walk out of the club. So! Connor, being the gentleman he is, carried me out of the bar, put me in the car, carried me to the bathroom at home and put me in bed. Now, I wasn't tired at all since I was drunk so we sat in bed (him on the couch me on the bed) and talked about Ashley, and how much he likes her and how she treats him like shit. The more we talked and the more he let me closer the more I realized that he is a great guy. I started to like him. I didn't know what to do because Ashley liked him and he was in love with her. So I just talked to him. We talked almost every day all the time and finely he and I went to a movie. I didn't really think of it as a date until when he dropped me off at home, he walked me to my door. Noone has ever walked me to my door. So we hung out a few times and I couldn't read him. Finely, we were parked in front of my house one day and I gave him a hug and he kissed me. I went inside and about died. So anyway! We hung out a few more times, I delt with the bull shit about him liking Ashley and listened to the stories he told about how she treated him. All that shit, in hopes that one day he would realize that I am nothing like her and that I treat him better than anyone else does. Well, he realized it once and went back, realized it again and went back, and finely realized it the last time this past weekend.

              Now! A little back story before I continue. A few of the times we "hung out" we went and met his friends Lisa and B.J. Now, Lisa and Bj are married and have a son, Alex, who is 1 year old. So Lisa and Bj are about 30 years old and they both just LOVE me. They think I am great. So when Connor went on vacation to Wyoming for a week, I spent most of it with them. Connor had told me that he wasnt planning on coming back from Wyoming so I cried the night he left and was upset most of the time he was gone. Well, I texted him the night his family was supposed to come home and said "be careful on the drive home, it is supposed to rain all night" and he said to me "I already made the drive so it's fine." I was confused because I thought he ment that he had drivin the way he was coming home before so I said "i know you've drivin it before just be safe." And he esentially told me that he was home in Utah. So I about jumped out of my seat, why wouldn't I? He was back! I said "How long have you been home?" And he said "about a half an hour but I am going to the club". Now, more backstory, he doesn't dance. At all. He doesn't drink when he has to drive. Which means, he is going to the club with Ashley because SHE drinks and SHE dances and SHE likes the club. So I went and saw him with BJ the next day and he told me he was excited to see me. Anyway, we hung out and things went back to normal.

               Before he left I wrote him a letter. Pretty much saying that I would support anything he decided to do (stay or go) and that I hoped that he made the right choice for HIM not for anyone else. He insisted I give him this letter when he got back. I thought it was stupid but I gave it to him anyway. He read it and kept it in his glove box of his jeep.

                              SO! Back to the ORIGIONAL story. Last weekend was Alex's 1st birthday party. I PROMISED i would be there to help so I came over on saturday night and crashed on the couch. I was texting connor at the time and I said we were sleeping inside (he was going to come but didn't for whatev reason) He said i would be alot more comfortable cuddled up next to someone in a sleeping bag. I said ya right who am I going todo that with and he said if I was lucky him. Well I guess I was lucky that night because he ended up coming over and spending the night with me. Well, one thing lead to another that night and we ended up having anal sex. We spend all of sunday helping with the party and then I went home. Monday rolled around and I tried to text him and he didn't reply. Same story tuesday. And wednesday. Now today is thursday and last night I was texting lisa. I told her "I am pretty sure that connor just got what he wanted out of me but he isn't that kind of guy." And she said "well maybe he is just busy." He usually texts me and tells me he is busy when he can't talk. So, Lisa, being that fifth grader that she is, Texted connor and asked him about me. I told her that I didn't want either of them (her of bj) to talk to him about this because it wasn't andyones business but mine and his. But no, she went and talked to him. She told me that she did and I didn't ask what she said because I don't want to know. If he has something to say to me he will tell me to my face. She didn't seam too happy that I didn't ask about it but I don't really care because I am not a gossip and I don't want to talk about other peoples shit. Like lisa and bj have marriage problems but I don't go butting in and talking to either of them about it. It's fucking irritating. Ah. That is my rant for the next little bit.

Wow its been a long time.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:10:01 GMT

So! I am not going out with Tangan anymore. We broke up. Urg. Now I am going out with Thomas but I am hella mad at him right now. Tangan and I dont talk anymore for obvious reasons but Thomas is still his close friend. Well thomas went to his house today to help him move and it pissed me off. I know they are still friends and I also know that they will always be friends but It bothers me that he went to his house to help him move when he wont even talk to me. I was on the phone with him at work and I had to put him on hold because its my job to answer the phone, and he hung up because he had to help move shit. It pisses me off that he totally just put tangan before me! I am better than tangan, I treat people better and it pisses me off that he doesnt see that!

AHHHHHH

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:59:36 GMT

Ahhhh

Ok, last time I wrote I wrote about Luke and how I had a friend drive me up to see him in orem. Well, everyone tells me that I need to just quit and find someone else but I don’t want to. I cant convince myself that he isn’t going to call me. I can’t convince myself that he doesn’t like me or that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, if he ever did at all. Brittany and Lacy both think that I need to just drop him and find someone who treats me like a queen but I am not sure that there is anyone who would treat me that way. I’m scared that I will never find someone. Its sad that I am so worried about something so adult when I am so young. I have my whole life to find someone but for some reason I can’t stand the idea of being single anymore. I have been alone for so long and I am so stressed about the future that it would be nice to have someone who could talk to me about these things without being judgemental like my family and friends. I don’t know. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. Maybe it is too much to ask for someone to like me. I don’t know. Its somewhat pathetic that I am writing this because I know there are moderators that can see my screen and are probably reading it. As well as the fact that I am posting this to live journal so more people can see it. I feel like I need to stop but there isnt anyone else that I can really sit and rant at aside from the computer screen. Should I stay or should I give up before I make an even bigger fool of myself. That is the ultimate question. Stand up for what you believe in even if your standing alone. As I type that I wonder. . . Do I believe in this.

Rencent

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 19:08:18 GMT

Ok, Been a while since I wrote but I don't have alot of time. Luke and I have been off again on again off again for ever and I am sick of it. Finely he told me he wants to be single for a while so I am giving him time. I dont know how much time I can give him before I feel the need to find someone else. I like him. I want to go out with me but I dont think he is ever going to. I will write more when I have time.
Raye.

My shitty day.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:47:17 GMT

Today was probably the worst day ever. I am so sick of getting used and thrown around. I had a writting conference today and I had to get up at 5 to get ready and be at school at seven. I had to walk. I talked to Luke yesterday afternoon and he said that he would come and see me at UVSC today because I had the conference and it was in Orem, where he lives. I texted him at 2 in the morning because I knew he was up and he was drunk. I told him that he wouldn't wake up on time to see me and he was totally lost. I knew that he wouldn't make it but he promised that he would come and so I STUPIDLY trusted that he would. He said he would come just to call him at nine and he would wake up and come see me. Well I have called him about a billion times today and it is now 3.45 in the afternoon. I am no longer in orem and he is suposedly at work. I am still yet to hear from him. I know he went to work but I called him at two thirty, two fourty five and two fifty five. He should have been up and he should be at work but god knows if he is or not. I got stood up and I think it is rediculous. I cried on the bus on the way home. I should have known that he wouldn't come. It hurts me more, not that he didn't come, but that I called him five minutes before work and he still didn't answer his phone. I am so sick of getting screwed. he doesn't work monday or tuesday so I am expecting a text but I DOUBT that he actually will. I am not going to call him or text him anymore. If I am "special to him" and I "mean alot to him" he will call me or text me. I am done being a leaf in the wind. Blown up, carried so high, and crashing to the ground to get walked all over. I am going home.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:39:01 GMT

Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
Luke. He is fabulous

What song is stuck in your head?
Cyclone by that one slutty chick.

Midnight, who were you texting?
Feranti and this other guy.

How different are you from three years ago?
Oh god, i was so WEIRD back then.

When's the next time you will see the person you like?
Whenever he decides I am worth the drive.

When was the last time you cried really badly?
I don't cry. Ever.

Do you like your life at the moment?
Meh could be better.

Are you currently frustrated with someone?
Um YES. Fucking luke. he will drive down here to see sunshine and frank but he couldn't drop me a line and say what up!? Urg! So much for being important to him. And Caio! Douche! He treats me like shit and then tells me that he loves me. It is really unfair.

You want to get married?
No. I don't need a husband to be happy.

Is anything alive in your room?
probably some sort of fungus

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I used to have G but I screwed that up.

Been in the hospital anytime this year?
Never in life.

Do you know if anyone likes you?
No.

Do you have trust issues?
Yes. Wait. No. yes. maybe.

Do you have a best friend?
No. Alot of good friends but no best friend.

Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Not really. I have two boys that claim to like me but niether of them care enough about me to get here.

Who's bed did you sleep in last?
Physically I was in my own but in my head I was in lukes.

When did you last see the person you like?
4 months ago.

Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
scoff. please. Look who your talking too.

Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
No.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
No. But how can u really change what your becoming?

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Scoff like I'd be perfect to anyone!

Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
No. I hate kids.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
work, meeting and sleep.

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?:
a sneeky combonation of all three.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Nope.

Do you smile a lot?
yes when I am happy.

What was the last book you read?
Identical.

Did you have an exciting last weekend?
No. I went to a writting conference, got ditched, and now I am at a debate practice tourniment.

What's something that can always make you feel better?
No. Poetry helps and so does REALLY LOUD music but nothing really else.

Will this weekend be a good one?
No.

What happened at 11:00 am today?
I was listening to a poet talk in Orem.

Are you ticklish?
yes

Are you happy right now?
No. Not at all.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?

Luke.

Wow

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:29:12 GMT

Ok, so wow it has been a while since I wrote. Last thing I remember writting about was B.J. He went to basic training so I was like whatever. I fell back in and out of love with Jeremy, and I got hurt more than I think i ever have by wes. I met Wes at a party and we had sex. Yes it was a mistake but I really liked Luke at the time and he wasn't talking to me so I made a drunkin mistake. Wes was sweet and nice and asked for my phone number. I called a few times and texted him alot but after a while of hanging out he quit calling as much and didn't reply to my texts. He is best friends with Frank. Diana was doing things with frank at the time so we were all hanging out.. Not quite coupling but. whatever. So, Wes quit calling and we just didn't even talk together anymore. I called him a few times a week and texted like once a week but to no response. Finely, we was stoned and told me to "loose his number". So I did. I deleted his number and didn't call or text for a week. I was working a midnight shift at work so I was at work at three a.m. and a number I didn't have programed in my phone called me. I answered and it was Wes. We talked for a bit but I couldn't talk at work so I told him I had to go. He said "keep in touch". So I added his number back into my phone. We went to the Motley crue concert with Frank and Tami. He called me a psycho bitch to tami. So I decided that he was scum and I wouldnt talk to him anymore. Well he called me to go shooting with him and Frank. He wanted to fuck me but I didn't let him. We were going to go camping the other weekend and I finely got it out of him that he really doesn't like me at all and doesn't want to even be my friend. So Wes, Frank and Tami are not my friends anymore.
My dad wants me to go get my scar fixed because It is ugly and a turn off to guys. I think that is bull shit. but whatever.